i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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