I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you didnt know i had herpes?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Randomize
