We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
