Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
