My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He had one of those small greek statue penises
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
