The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
