I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
