I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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