You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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