I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
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I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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