I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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