If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
