i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
