Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
