I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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