last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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