I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
