He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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