Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
