Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just saw a hot homeless man
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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