My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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