She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wear drunk well.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
