U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
