My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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