I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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