well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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