i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
