i may or may not be watching the land before time
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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