He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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