Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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