The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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