I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
