I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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