You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i think i have two assholes
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
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everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
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Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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