just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
