I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Your penis caused this!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
