The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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