then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just had sex on a roof
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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