Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
