Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You need a sexual gate keeper
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
