Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
