Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
