I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
