The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
