So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
