Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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