She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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