Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
