Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
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Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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