so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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