FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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