dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
