Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
