I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
