I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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