The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
