im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
