you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
