sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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