The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
