I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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