i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
