i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The uberlube is also flammable
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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