don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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